I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
