wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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