just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
