I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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