Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i will never coherently bang her
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
