I can't breathe out the right side of my face
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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