i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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