I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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