WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
