If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
