you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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