I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I need a beard to bite.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
