On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
