you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I'm too high and old for this...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
