shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
