and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He did a backflip because drugs
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