Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
