you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Such a big mess for such a small penis
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
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