margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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