my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
