On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
