I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been