Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
