at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
Randomize
