I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
