im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
