Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
