You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Threesome in a minivan. New low
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
