Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Randomize
