I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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