it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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