Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
