I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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