they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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