every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
