Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Randomize
