White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
