you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
