someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
