I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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