It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I would ride that face into the sunset
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
