Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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