Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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