i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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