Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
