the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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