So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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