I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
