I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
