Pants 0. Shit 1.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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