Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
