Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
