I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
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