As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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