not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Sober January is a disaster.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
