you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
