Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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