I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
grandma shit on top of the toilet
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Randomize
